REASONS SANTA CLAUS CAN'T BE A GHANAIAN

TEN REASONS SANTA CLAUS
CAN'T
BE A
GHANAIAN...
If he was a Ghanaian, then the
... gifts wud've gotten to us by new year and not 24th. This b'cos.... 1.
ECG will put out the light n he'll
not find his suit till the lights
come
on.
2. When the lights come on, he'll get in the shower and realise the
tap is not flowing. 3. His flight will
be delayed for 3
days. (Thats wen he's lucky)
4. He's gonna get stuck in traffic
for hours. 5. Taxi and trotro drivers will
insult him very very well, like;
"Kwasia
man, where u dey carry all this
bola bola dey go, come block
road" 6. Ghana police will arrest and
charge him for overspeeding and
overloading.
7.He'll never find his way through
Ghana, he'll be stuck in Nima,
totally lost. 8. That dude can't carry that
large
bag on his back n get to his
destination safely. Its either he
looses the bag or get some
cutlass wounds. 9. First word he'll hear wen he
lands in Nima, "Hey! Duuba! wo
k)
he! Firi bag no mu na fa ma me!!
Issifu hia no)ma no.
10. Finally, Evn if he should make it
to the house, your father will
wake up n find him and start
shouting, "Awi oh! awi oh!! awi
oh!!!. Neighbours will corner him
and lynch him. He'll be dead by now. Lol

husband was stung by a bee

A husband was stung by a bee on the p'nis and it became swollen.his wife prayed"oh lord remove of the pain and leave the size as it is.

Three Wise Men

What would have
happened if it had been
three Wise Women instead
of three Wise Men?
They would have asked
... directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable, made a
casserole, and brought
practical gifts. But what they would have
said when they left...? "Did you see the sandals
Mary was wearing with
that gown?"
"That baby doesn't look
anything like Joseph!"
"Virgin, my arse! I knew her in school!"
"Can you believe that they
let all of those disgusting
animals in the house?"
"I heard that Joseph isn't
even working right now!" "And that donkey that they
are riding has seen better
days too!"..

lOvE YoUr eNeMy

MoM SaYs “AlChOhOl iS YoUr
eNeMy" ,
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  Jesus says “lOvE YoUr
eNeMy” ;)

DON'T WANNA TAKE CHANCES

An elderly man from USA went on
vacation with his constantly
nagging, greedy and self-centered
wife to Jerusalem.
Just after two days she passed
... away.
They asked him if he would love
to bury her there for $120 or ship
her home for $345,980?
He tells the rabbi "Ship her home!"
Rabbi: But sir, it's cheap to bury
her here .
Elderly man: It's fine, but I want to
ship her home!
Rabbi: Are you sure sir, you want
to spend that much money to ship
her to the USA, rather then bury
her here in the holy land?
Elderly man: Rabbi I will loan,
borrow and steal to just bury her
home.
Rabbi: You truly loved her. A man
like you is rare.
Elderly man: No Rabbi, 2000 YEARS
AGO A MAN(JESUS) WAS BURIED HERE.
AFTER 3 DAYS, HE WOKE UP, I JUST
DON'T WANNA TAKE MY CHANCES
WITH HER!!!!!!

A cheating Wife

Man: My wife is short of sense and scares a lot from water.
Friend: But how do you know this?
Man: Yesterday, when i reached home, she was in bath tub with the security guard!!

Your brain is as good as new

Husband: I am sure that your brain is as good as new..
Wife: How can you say that?
Husband: Because you never used it!

u will even give me change

one Sunday a pastor said to his members "pay your offering according to how your wife look like"
suddenly a man stood up and payed 50p and the ask him why he payed 50p.
the man said to the pastor" if u see my wife u will even give me change"

A man went 4 hair-cut

A man went 4 hair-cut in a salon, as he was shaving he noticed a
pretty lady sitting patiently in d shop. Suddenly the man turned 2 the
lady and said 'Woman,u are so pretty, can we meet later 2day?
Woman replied: i'm married.
the Man continued: and so? u can jst tell
ur husband u re going 2 d hospital 2 visit a frnd, and 4rm there....
Woman replied: tell him urself, he's d one shaving ur hair.lol..

A lady and her 6 months yrs old baby

A lady and her 6 months yrs old baby board a bus.
Driver:damn woman did u give birth 2 dat baby.I must confess this baby is very very ugly.
D woman was very upset and started to cry.upon get to d next bus stop,a man boarder d bus and sat by d woman.
Man:woman y are u crying?
Woman:d driver has insulted me.
... Man:what!! d driver insulted u,stand u right now and go give him a piece of ur mind.
Woman:u are right
Man:be4 u go can i ask u a question,where did u get ur monkey??

patience is a virtue

While a man was polishing his new car, his 4
yr old son picked up a stone and scratched
lines on the side of the car.In anger, the man
took the child's hand and hit it many times,
not realizing he was using a wrench. At the
... hospital, the child lost all his fingers due to
multiple fractures.When the child saw his
father.... with painful eyes he asked 'Dad
when will my fingers grow back?'. The man
was so hurt and speechless. He went back to
car and kicked it a lot of times.
Devastated by his own actions, and sitting in
front of that car he looked at the scratches,
the child had written 'LOVE YOU DAD'.

A nun with large boobs

A nun with large boobs
entered a bus. She was
wearing a rosary around
her neck, ie. between
boobs. A guy sitting beside
... her couldn't stop staring at her. Realizing that the guy
had been staring for over
10minutes, she touched the
rosary and asked him, "are
you looking at Jesus Christ
who was crucified on de cross?" The guy replied,
"no, am looking at de two
thieves crucified beside
Him"

Blackberries and IPhones

Blackberries are like girls, they
only work when u rub one little
button. IPhones are like men, one
touch anywhere and they
respond...lol

They are my in-laws.

Husband and Wife were driving through a highway when they saw some donkeys.
Husband: Are those donkeys your relatives?
Wife: Yes, kind of. They are my in-laws.

why do men wear black dress?

Boy: Mom, why do women wear white dress during the marriage?
Mom: Because its the happiest and best day in their life.
Boy: Then why do men wear black dress?

the guy next door

Wife: Do you know that the guy next door kisses his wife three times a day, gives here roses every evening. Why dont you be also like that?
Husband: Well, I can try as long as he allows me to kiss her.

A man escapes from prison

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, l...ook at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

A wonderful family

a man was in the room with his wife one night charting
the man said to his wife
sweet heart! this year after selling our harvest i will buy a donkey for u to ride on it so dat when it give birth we sell it
that very moment their son wasn't asleep he got annoyed because he was expecting
his father to say "when it give birth our son will ride on the baby donkey" so he stood up and said when it give birth i will ride on the baby donkey to the market .
the man got angry and started shouting
"if u dont no and u kill dis donkey ehhhhhhhh".........

heatin ur supper

A man came from work n saw his wife widely opened her legs in opened fire n her husband said honey why are u sittin with ur legs widely opened lyk dat,then the wife replied am heatin ur supper sweetheart.........!

Two crazy men

Two crazy men were committed to a mental institution near a mountain lake. They were taken out one morning for a walk, accompanied by a nurse. As the three strolled along the lake shore, an eagle flew overhead and pooped right on the bald head of one of the patients. The nurse saw what happened and said in great concern, "Wait right here. I'll go get some toilet paper." As the nurse ran back toward the building, one of the men turned to the other, pointed toward the nurse, started laughing and rolling on the ground, then said, "She's crazier than we are. By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that eagle will be far gone."

Father I have sinned

Father I have sinned. I called my boyfriend Son of a Bitch.
Priest: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
Priest : You mean like this? (The priest kissed the girl)
GIRL:Yes!
... Priest: Well that's no reason to call him Son of a Bitch
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my boobs
Priest: what? You mean like this? (The priest put his hand in the girl's boobs )
GIRL:Yes!
Priest: Well that's no reason to call him Son of a Bitch
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
Priest: You mean like this? (The priest took off the girl's clothes)
GIRL: Yes!
Priest: Well that's no reason to call him Son of a Bitch
GIRL: But, he put his thing inside my vagina
Priest: Oh No, You mean like this? (The priest had sex with the girl)
GIRL: Yes!
Priest: Well that's no reason to call him Son of a Bitch
GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS.
Priest: Fucking Son of a bitch!

that damned ice cream truck

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely... be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

Try going alone, next time

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their
various disorders.

"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."

... "I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."

"You must tell me what you did."

"I went to a faith healer."

"But I've tried that. My husband and I
went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."

The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time

God am coming.

Teacher: which part of the
body goes to heaven first?
Student: the legs;because
each night I watch my mum
with her legs raised up and
shouting oooh God am coming...

you picked up a real bitch

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
... "Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave

can I make a call to my Wife

A man in Hell asked Devil:
Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil : Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.

an interview on proverb

a nigerian man who went 4 an interview on proverbz was ask to complete da following proverbs:
1)a rolling stone.............na somebody push am.
2)a bird in hand...............so so shittin 4 ur palm.
3)he who laughs last..........na mumu
4)the patient dog........na hunger go kill am.
5)empty barrels...........na we go filll am.
6)a frnd in nid.........na poverty he go spread. Lol

- Daddy my dick is all jagged

- Daddy my dick is all jagged and crooked so I have no success with girls.
- You know, my son, I didn’t care too much about that detail, but that should not be a problem. Go to the shop, take a cream and fix it.
After some time, daddy asks Richard :
- Well, did you resolve the problem with the girls?
- Daddy, since I got the cream who needs the girls anymore...........lol Richard paar.

Do i look like a baker

Wife:honey there is a problem with d lamp.
Husband:do i look like an electrician??
An hour later wife comes back.
Wife: Can you help me in the garden?
Husband: what do i look like a gardner??
... 5 hour later wife comes back.
Wife:the door handle is broken,can u replace it ? Husband: What d hell are u talking about,do i look like a carpenter?
D next day,when husband came from work, he saw everything has been fixed. He asked his wife who fixed this.
Wife:ur bestfriend kwame, but he gave me 2 options. Either i give him a cake or have sex with him Husband:kwame is a funny guy,so what cake did u bake for him?
Wife:" do i look like a baker??

Try weakly

Advice to a young man getting married:
First ten years, it will be tri-weekly.
Next ten years, it will be try weekly.
The next twenty years, it will be try weakly!

cheap sex

A couple, both aged 69, went to a sex therapists office. The doctor asked, "What can Ido for you?"The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said,"There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $32.This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appoin...tment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor then leave.Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.The Hilton charges $78.We do it here for $32, and I get $28 back from Medicare."

father and son conversation

DAD:u dont like learnin why?do u know wat our president did wen he was at ur age?
SON:i dont know but i know he is our president at ur age Dad!!

What is husband and wife

Kid: What is husband and wife?
Granny: Husband is the head of the family but wife is the neck,
which can turn head anywhere!

Best machine to impress any girl

Boy asked to his gym coach: I want to impress my girlfriend, Pl suggest me which machine should i use?
Gym Coach: Best machine to impress any girl is ATM Machine!!....lol

height of stupidity

Richard comes to the office with one black shoe and one white shoe. His boss starts to yell at him:
- You are ruining our reputation, go home and change the shoes.
Richard goes home, and comes back after a while.
- Boss I have a problem, the other pair of shoes at home are black and white, too..........lol

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes h...er shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD them for a while.....

height of laziness

Boss: Do you know, what is the height of laziness?
Officer: Yes, It is adopting a child!

biggest trust

66 years old Husband: Do you get upset when i run to flirt with other ladies? spouse: No way! Lots of dogs run towards cars but it doesn't mean that they can drive it..

Smallest dic Ever

A guy goes to visit his doctor. Here is the conversation that ensued."Don't laugh!" said the patient."Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," the patient said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of an AAA b...attery..Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell laughing to the floor.. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure."I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now ... what seems to be the problem?""It's swollen," the patient replied.The doctor fainted

A cheating husband and wife

Lady 1: I think that my husband is cheating on me.
Lady 2: How did you conclude that?
Lady 1: Yesterday he said that he was with John last night for a party. But I was with John last night

ladies and Wahala

Man1: When ever I feel stressed or tensed in office, I just look at my wife's photo and all problems disappear.
Man2: Wow!
Man1: The thing is, I look at her photo and think
"No other problem can be greater than this".

Its Pay Back

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes h...er shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD them for a while.....